99.999 percent of the population doesn't know this but I am about to share a secret with you that may well change your life and that of those around you.
How do most people listen to another person speak? Everything the person says immediately passes through the prism of their own opinions and experiences and is thus received. THAT IS NOT TRUE LISTENING.
Somebody says to me "I believe that women and men are really the same thing and have the same purpose in life." I will instantaneously think "This person is nuts! Women and men are physiologically, psychologically, existentially and every other "ally" [a favorite word of mine]different."
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.
Somebody says "All the problems in the Middle East are the Israeli's fault." I will think immediately "This person has either just arrived moment ago from the planet Mars where he has been since birth, is off his meds or has potato knishes where other people have a brain. How can he believe such absurdity.?!"
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.
My child says "My teacher is a mean person." [Not that he did. An example...] I quickly get defensive because I want him to respect his teacher and say "That's not true. He is a very nice, caring person."
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.
My wife [ditto the previous brackets] says "You never help! I have to do everything around the house." I immediately raise my voice and start listing the myriad things I do around the house. "I watch the baby [when she is sleeping]. I take out the garbage. I put my dirty clothing within a 50 yard radius of the hamper. I even clear my dishes after I eat on occasion [such as when I reach a birthday that has a zero]! How can you say that??! BLOOD LIBEL!"
You know this is coming...
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard her voice THROUGH my own.
So how does one listen?
First, in your mind decide that you will be totally receptive to what the other person is saying without any personal input. Completely be with the other person. Don't react cognitively. Then reflect back to the person what was said. For example - "You are saying that I don't help at all and that you have to do everything?" Try to understand what she said and reflect back that understanding.
Then try to go deeper. "It must be terribly frustrating to be married to a man who never helps. In the present situation you have the entire burden of the home on your shoulders. This must be overwhelming."
To summarize:
Listen, reflect back, try to understand the underlying feelings.
How do most people listen to another person speak? Everything the person says immediately passes through the prism of their own opinions and experiences and is thus received. THAT IS NOT TRUE LISTENING.
Somebody says to me "I believe that women and men are really the same thing and have the same purpose in life." I will instantaneously think "This person is nuts! Women and men are physiologically, psychologically, existentially and every other "ally" [a favorite word of mine]different."
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.
Somebody says "All the problems in the Middle East are the Israeli's fault." I will think immediately "This person has either just arrived moment ago from the planet Mars where he has been since birth, is off his meds or has potato knishes where other people have a brain. How can he believe such absurdity.?!"
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.
My child says "My teacher is a mean person." [Not that he did. An example...] I quickly get defensive because I want him to respect his teacher and say "That's not true. He is a very nice, caring person."
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard his voice THROUGH my own.
My wife [ditto the previous brackets] says "You never help! I have to do everything around the house." I immediately raise my voice and start listing the myriad things I do around the house. "I watch the baby [when she is sleeping]. I take out the garbage. I put my dirty clothing within a 50 yard radius of the hamper. I even clear my dishes after I eat on occasion [such as when I reach a birthday that has a zero]! How can you say that??! BLOOD LIBEL!"
You know this is coming...
I didn't truly listen to the other person. I heard her voice THROUGH my own.
So how does one listen?
First, in your mind decide that you will be totally receptive to what the other person is saying without any personal input. Completely be with the other person. Don't react cognitively. Then reflect back to the person what was said. For example - "You are saying that I don't help at all and that you have to do everything?" Try to understand what she said and reflect back that understanding.
Then try to go deeper. "It must be terribly frustrating to be married to a man who never helps. In the present situation you have the entire burden of the home on your shoulders. This must be overwhelming."
To summarize:
Listen, reflect back, try to understand the underlying feelings.
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