What is Kiddushin? Kiddushin is the talmudic term for marriage. But how odd to use a word that brings up associations of sanctifying a korban to the beis hamikdash. I mean, no man plans to bring his wife as a korban....:).
Tosfos [Kiddushin 2b] explains that the essence of Kiddushin is that this woman is separate from the rest of the world and thereby bound to her husband. You cannot buy an object by saying "This sweater is mekudeshes to me". First you acquire it and only then it becomes forbidden to the rest of the world. Marriage is the opposite. First she becomes forbidden to the rest of the world [like hekdesh to the Beis Hamikdash] and only then she becomes set aside and special to her husband. This is expressed in the bracha made on Kiddushin. First we say שאסר לנו את הארוסות and only then והתיר לנו. First she is assur to the rest of the world and then she is bound to her husband. [In brachos we never mention what is ASSUR to us making the bracha on kiddushin an anomaly].
The Torah already defined marriage as יעזוב איש את אביו ואמו ודבק באשתו - A man [and woman] must leave their parents and cling to their spouse. [I recently read an article where a person claimed that the notion of seeking "chemistry" between a couple is a modern phenomenon in the religious world. I ask: The pasuk advises us to "cling" to our spouse. How is it possible to cling to someone to whom you don't feel connected?! Of COURSE there must be chemistry].
נער הייתי וגם זקנתי - I have been around the block a few times [probably because I have a very poor sense of direction] and have yet to see where the intervention of a parent is helpful to a marriage [OK - I know of one extreme case which is the exception rather than the rule]. Parents and in-laws should stay OUT. The job of the kids is to keep them out. Don't share intimate details of your marriage with your parents. If you need to talk - find someone else. The job of the parent is to encourage the child to become independent, both emotionally and financially. That means that the checkbook should be open [when necessary to help the child stand on his own two feet] and the mouth closed. Parents are far too subjective to be helpful. On the contrary - they usually do more harm than good when overly involved.
If a girl is buying a new sofa and wants her mother's advice on where to shop or a boy is debating whether he should invest his extra money in the stock market or elswhere and his father is a professional money manager - these are areas where parents may be involved. But when it comes to the spousal relationship parents should be in the dark [unless the couple needs money for counseling or the like].
It goes without saying that the children must ALWAYS show their parents the utmost respect. [On shmatsabaitzlusa we have an article coming out on the topic this week אי"ה.]
When there is tension between a wife and mother in-law [when isn't there:)] it is the job of the husband to show FULL SUPPORT for his WIFE. When the husband complains about HIS mother the wife should NEVER agree and say that "Yes, your mother's picture SHOULD appear next to the word 'annoying' in the dictionary." She should rather validate her husbands feelings and then try to gently find some merit for the mother. The reason for this is that the son will ALWAYS love his mother. If he hears that his wife feels negatively about her then he is torn between the two of them. Not a pleasant situation to be in. He should feel that his wife loves him AND his mother.
LADIES - Remember. Your husbands are very sensitive. Very. Women don't have a monopoly on sensitivity. So be careful to try to always make him feel loved and cared for. He left the most important person in his life for you.
His mother.
ע' בקונטרס לחתנים מהגר"ש וולבה זצ"ל ובס' האיש מקדש עמ' תנג
Tosfos [Kiddushin 2b] explains that the essence of Kiddushin is that this woman is separate from the rest of the world and thereby bound to her husband. You cannot buy an object by saying "This sweater is mekudeshes to me". First you acquire it and only then it becomes forbidden to the rest of the world. Marriage is the opposite. First she becomes forbidden to the rest of the world [like hekdesh to the Beis Hamikdash] and only then she becomes set aside and special to her husband. This is expressed in the bracha made on Kiddushin. First we say שאסר לנו את הארוסות and only then והתיר לנו. First she is assur to the rest of the world and then she is bound to her husband. [In brachos we never mention what is ASSUR to us making the bracha on kiddushin an anomaly].
The Torah already defined marriage as יעזוב איש את אביו ואמו ודבק באשתו - A man [and woman] must leave their parents and cling to their spouse. [I recently read an article where a person claimed that the notion of seeking "chemistry" between a couple is a modern phenomenon in the religious world. I ask: The pasuk advises us to "cling" to our spouse. How is it possible to cling to someone to whom you don't feel connected?! Of COURSE there must be chemistry].
נער הייתי וגם זקנתי - I have been around the block a few times [probably because I have a very poor sense of direction] and have yet to see where the intervention of a parent is helpful to a marriage [OK - I know of one extreme case which is the exception rather than the rule]. Parents and in-laws should stay OUT. The job of the kids is to keep them out. Don't share intimate details of your marriage with your parents. If you need to talk - find someone else. The job of the parent is to encourage the child to become independent, both emotionally and financially. That means that the checkbook should be open [when necessary to help the child stand on his own two feet] and the mouth closed. Parents are far too subjective to be helpful. On the contrary - they usually do more harm than good when overly involved.
If a girl is buying a new sofa and wants her mother's advice on where to shop or a boy is debating whether he should invest his extra money in the stock market or elswhere and his father is a professional money manager - these are areas where parents may be involved. But when it comes to the spousal relationship parents should be in the dark [unless the couple needs money for counseling or the like].
It goes without saying that the children must ALWAYS show their parents the utmost respect. [On shmatsabaitzlusa we have an article coming out on the topic this week אי"ה.]
When there is tension between a wife and mother in-law [when isn't there:)] it is the job of the husband to show FULL SUPPORT for his WIFE. When the husband complains about HIS mother the wife should NEVER agree and say that "Yes, your mother's picture SHOULD appear next to the word 'annoying' in the dictionary." She should rather validate her husbands feelings and then try to gently find some merit for the mother. The reason for this is that the son will ALWAYS love his mother. If he hears that his wife feels negatively about her then he is torn between the two of them. Not a pleasant situation to be in. He should feel that his wife loves him AND his mother.
LADIES - Remember. Your husbands are very sensitive. Very. Women don't have a monopoly on sensitivity. So be careful to try to always make him feel loved and cared for. He left the most important person in his life for you.
His mother.
ע' בקונטרס לחתנים מהגר"ש וולבה זצ"ל ובס' האיש מקדש עמ' תנג
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