My Wife - My Psychologist

A common dilemma. We guys have issues, problems, things that trouble us, frustrations, unresolved childhood conflict etc. etc. and yet more etc.

Should we involve our wives [hoping you have only one...] in our internal struggles? Should a wife bring her husband into her world of emotional imbalance [I am referring to MILD imbalance which EVERYONE has, including yours truly]?

The answer is nuanced. The first thing that must be made clear is that your spouse is NOT going to solve your problems for you. NOBODY can solve your problems for you, not even your well paid therapist [although you solve many of his/her problems by helping pay for gas and groceries etc.]. But should you share your issues in the hope of lightening the burden?

It depends on you and the spouse. If your spouse is an emotionally understanding person and your issues aren't earth shattering, then sharing can really serve as a bridge to make you closer. Problems could and should be discussed and analyzed. This can help each person understand the other one better and cultivate empathy and deepen the bond.

If your spouse can't deal with hearing your problems - drop it. Talk to a good friend/rabbi/therapist/blogger etc. Or write it in your diary.

Even if your spouse CAN deal with your issues but you are exceptionally emotionally needy then DON'T overburden him/her. It will put undo strain on the marriage. Find someone else with whom to talk.

Like the Ribbono Shel Olam:).

    

We Vs. Me

Excerpted from the UC Berkeley News Center -

UC Berkeley researchers analyzed conversations between 154 middle-aged and older couples about points of disagreement in their marriages and found that those who used pronouns such as “we,” “our” and “us” behaved more positively toward one another and showed less physiological stress.
In contrast, couples who emphasized their “separateness” by using pronouns such as “I,” “me” and “you” were found to be less satisfied in their marriages. This was especially true for older couples. Their use of separateness pronouns was most strongly linked to unhappy marriages, according to the study.

Moreover, the study found that older couples identified more as “we” than did their middle-aged counterparts, suggesting that facing obstacles and overcoming challenges together over the long haul, including raising families, may give couples a greater sense of shared identity.

“Individuality is a deeply ingrained value in American society, but, at least in the realm of marriage, being part of a ‘we’ is well worth giving up a bit of ‘me,’” said UC Berkeley psychology professor Robert Levenson, a co-author of the study published last semester in the journal Psychology and Aging.

“The use of ‘we’ language is a natural outgrowth of a sense of partnership, of being on the same team, and confidence in being able to face problems together,” said study co-author Benjamin Seider, a graduate student in psychology at UC Berkeley.

Education

Recently someone remarked to me [this person has been married for a number of years]: Before I was married I thought that .... but then after I got married I realized that .... and that was shocking.

Then soon after someone else remarked to me [this person is a newlywed]: Before I was married I thought that ... but now that I am married I realize that .... and it is really hard.

In general marriage LOOKS easy from the outside. What's the big deal?? A boy likes a girl. Then loves her. Same from her side to his. So what is so hard about making it work?

Well, the high divorce rate and the many married couples who struggle, prove that it's not so easy. It's not easy at all. It is actually EXTREMELY hard. Ask any married couple. If you are married - ask yourself:).

The solution: Education. A couple should be educated before marriage and after about how to deal with the infinite complications that arise from the complexity of the most profound and intense relationship in existence.